Corral De La Cruz Theatre

The Anti-Bard Returns

I will not apologize for my provisional hiatus. You see, I was falsely accosted by some churl who had read the Utah Theatre Blogger review of The Jester. He said he’d never seen such a rank review. Then he went on a Shakespearian monologue tearing down my unappreciated masterpiece. I, like a patient and humble citizen of the United States, waited for my turn to speak. My turn never came because this churl never stopped blabbing. So, like a true citizen, I took control of the situation by punching the man in the face. How was I supposed to know he was a bleeder?

Next thing I knew, his snotty blood speckled my entire blouse. The man started screaming words like “assault” and “help.” I sighed and walked away. I should have known he would never have given me my chance to speak.

Two days later, the local constables paid me a visit.

They arrested me on assault charges.

I tried to explain that the other man had verbally thrashed me, but my words fell on biased ears. Constables have a propensity for going deaf to certain parties in heated situations.

I spent the next ten weeks in a cell. No pen, no paper, no typewriter, only a tattooed cartel hopeful with little more to show than the unlicensed use of marijuana. It took Ty Hawton, the co-owner of Corral de la Cruz, ten bloody weeks to earn the five hundred dollars required for the bail payout. Part of me thinks he desired my ultimate demise in that cell, but I, Eugene Shackespeare, am made of tougher material.

I weathered the atrocities of prison life like any true American would. By the end, I did not fear my condemned prison mates. They feared me.

Now that I’m free, I have decided to turn a new leaf. Why write about fictional characters when I can write about myself? My life is more interesting than Bill Clinton and Hillary Swank combined. Tomorrow is a brighter future because Eugene Shackespeare writes again.

*The Endeavors of Eugene Shackspeare is a fictional journal 

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